A good sandwich strictly adheres to three criteria
NUMBER 1: It is delicious.
WAAAAY fella! Next you're gonna tell me the Pope is Catholic! Hold on, mate. Think for a moment of the superabundance of uninspired sandwiches out there--including those which, at some point in your life, you had willingly consumed and even thought to yourself, "Hm, that wasn't bad. ...That was actually pretty... good." Need your memory jogged? The bus station. The airport. A business luncheon. A mid-day "spread" at a friend's "shindig". A hyper-contrived professional networking summit. No? How about that reduced price chicken salad Tesco sogwich you had last week! AH-HA! You know you did it!
Sigh, we've all done it. We've all succumbed to the hunger and expediency of a lousy sandwich; and we've all deluded ourselves into thinking we just consumed a "not bad--actually, pretty good" sandwich. We must awaken from this absurdity! Those sandwiches aren't good, they're tasty. And that makes perfect sense because it's a SANDWICH. And sandwiches, like pizza and sex, are pretty good regardless of where it's from.
Ever since the Days of Earl, sandwiches have been universally known for their tastiness. But tastiness does not equate to deliciousness you see. Tastiness is simply a box to tick, whereas deliciousness discerns varying degrees of quality. Next time you have a sandwich reflect on the tasty versus delicious distinction, and then determine whether you ate a sandwich, or a good sandwich.
NUMBER 2: It satiates.
My mom used to pack me two sandwiches as a kid. They were awful, just awful; 0 for 2 every time, as sure as the sun will rise. Reliably miscalculated peanut butter to jelly ratios, no bounce or body to the thing, clumpy, unevenly spread mustard, bologna. The drawbacks go on. I love my mom, and the sacrifices she made to feed four children cannot be overstated, but I wouldn't wish those sogwiches on anyone. After one you were still hungry, and after two you were miserable.
A good sandwich leaves you in perfect equilibrium with your surroundings. You know not hunger nor glutton nor desire nor fear subsequent a good sandwich. You feel at peace with the universe and all its mystery. The rhythms of nature animate your spirit as the pulse of the elements breathes ecstasy into your soul. You momentarily wrest free of your temporal and spatial manacles and float like effervescence into a metaphysical state of being. You wade through the jelly-like ether of an otherworldly yet personal Eden.
Then, slowly, sensation reintroduces itself to your fingertips and trickles to your toes. Has it been a minute or a lifetime? Awareness of your physical whereabouts begins to sharpen as the surroundings begin to fade in again. Timelessness merges into the ticking of a nearby clock. You casually adjust your posture and take a deep, exaggerated breath before softly saying: "That was a good sandwich."
NUMBER 3: Last, and most importantly, it is social media worthy.After all, nothing really exists until it’s been turned into 1's and 0's and projected into the face of glaze-eyed strangers half a world away. If that thing doesn't get at least 20 Retweets and 97 Likes, you might as well have been eating a shoe. Of course there are degrees of social media worthitude.
If a photo of your sandwich earns you new friends or followers, the sandwich you're eating is probably pretty good. If it is retweeted by a once-famous actor, you can rest assure you're tasting something delicious And if it turns into a viral meme, well, you and your sandwich have made it. So post it, tweet it, pin it, tag it, and hashtag the daylights out of that staged photo of your sandwich. If the Internet approves, then you know you have yourself a good one.